So I decided to start another blog and invite only my mother to read it. I am hoping to find out if we can journal back and forth to resolve our conflicts. There is that word again. So my Heart is Over-riding Past Experiences again. Has communication worked in the past? No. Have I ever been able to work out my differences with my mom? No. Have I ever felt resolution when I have talked to my mom? Only if you consider confusion to be a resolution. But this seems different-I have never blogged with my mom before. Yeah right. Dress it up in a different package, and I am still trying to get along with my mom when past experience shows that we don't get along.
I guess I believe that the one obstacle that stands in the way of my feeling whole is the broken-ness of my relations with my mom. What is the worst thing that can happen? I guess I will learn that there is no hope of restoring wholeness to my relationship with her. The hope of restoration befuddles me, because if I really do not think our relationship was ever whole, then how can it possibly be restored? And NO hope? That is probably more promising than actual hope. No Heart Over-riding Past Experiences. That is probably the BEST possible outcome.
At any rate, I am trying something new. One of my friends told me that as long as she is moving, she believes God can steer her. I really like that since I have been having a hard time moving in any direction. So I am moving. I can always tell when God is steering because I feel peace of mind when I am moving and being guided. When I am clinging to an outcome and trying to drive that outcome, I feel crazed and obsessive.
My mom's first response to my blog had me reeling. I wrote several responses for about 3 hours; responses that I would never use because they were defensive, accusatory, defeated, and/or holier than thou. So I ditched them all and just asked her about her. I have to remember my original goal, which was to discover whether we can communicate. It doesn't have to be all about me. It probably has to be all about her if past experience is going to inform me of anything. So, I have asked all about her. I have stopped obsessing. The ball is not in my court right now anyway, so nothing to obsess about. Which brings up a question. Is that my persistent approach to life? Do I live just to return a volley so the ball does not have to be in my court anymore. What if I try to enjoy having the ball in my court? The challenge of catching it before the second bounce; the grace of my swing; the mastery of the exact connection to send the ball back within the boundaries; the acceptance of a failed attempt. The honor of knowing that I tried. The dignity of knowing that failure is only the end result if I do not try again. I love that I am using tennis analogies. Having astigmatism and therefore poor eye-hand coordination; I suck at tennis. And since I suck at it, I hate to play it. But I do believe it provides a useful analogy here, so, thank you tennis, for being useless to me unless I need you for a good analogy.
One thing I have learned for certain. I spent the first third of my life waiting for my mom to value me for who I am. When that did not happen, I married a man with an ego so large, there was no room in it for valuing anything besides himself and his own selfish desires. So then I spent the next third of my life waiting for him to value me for who I am. When that didn't happen and he left me (which really pissed me off at the time because I had clung to him the whole time and then in the end he left-I should have left him! Well at least I let him leave and didn't beg him back as he had expected.) [return from tangent] I began to look at myself. I spent the next third of my life trying to get to know who I am and how I could be happy. I had some success and learned some things. One of which was that I am running out of 18 year long thirds. I am going to have to get a bonus round by next year... So in the end of the last third I am realizing something. I cannot WAIT AROUND for people to value me. My problem is that I have been looking outside my self for my value. I have to look within. Shit, my chiropractor told me that a year ago. I think I responded by asking if he could see what was in there. He could not...but I took it as a refusal to look on his part.
Wake UP already! Nobody can tell you what you have inside. That is yours to discover. I have to value myself. Okay, so victory! I have NO idea where this victory is going to take me, but I am going to count it as a victory nonetheless. Back to the tennis analogy, once the ball is in the other court, I have no control over how it is gonna get volleyed back to me (I think I have always hated that part of tennis the most) but if I am going to succeed in applying this new discovery, I have to allow it to bring me to the unknown and confront it anyways. So, I have three things to keep in mind that have been told to me and my mind keeps repeating them like mantras:
- My chiropractor told me to look within. (which created a lot of difficulty, because I could not see anything in there and it took the longest time for me to begin to achieve)
- An intuitive told me not to change my own trajectory for anyone else. (this facilitated the challenge of finding a trajectory-which is when movement began)
- A friend told me as long as she keeps moving God can steer her. (this confirmed that I should just keep moving even if I didn't know the outcome)
So now, I add my own revelation to the list 4. Value myself. (in doing so, I am learning to see me)
Stomach at rest. No knot. Just peace.
